The most obvious comparison that comes to mind is computers vs. people. I'm no super computer wiz but I def enjoy working with them compared to with people. Meaning, I enjoy dealing with computer problems a thousand times more than with people issues. I think I'm good at solving PC problems, but I'm not good at solving people problems. A lot of people, who they themselves get really frustrated with computer issues, seem to think I know every solution to every computer problem there is to have. (See: http://xkcd.com/627/) My boss sometimes calls me after she's tried a bunch of times to fix something, and she'll call me once she's given up and I easily find the solution. In fact, this one time, for something I've never seen before, I said, let's try this, maybe if we click it it will do it. And it did. She was amazed, she was like 'how did you know to go exactly there, when I've been going all over the place for like half an hour??" and I guess that in part got me thinking of how in fact I did know. What is the nature of my comfort with computer issues really. Meanwhile, people around me get surprised that I find simple people things so uncomfortable and often, whether they know it or not, I find them unbearable.
I don't know the solution to most computer issues, just like I don't know the solution to most people issues. I guess the main thing though is that I find that messing up is a good thing with computers. I have tremendous curiosity and whenever I don't get something right, let's say I've been trying to get rid of a virus for hours, I try this one thing, didn't work, this other one, didn't work, etc. etc. I really don't feel that my image is at all compromised by it. I have watched other people when they get frustrated with computer issues. At some point they go "I'm just not good with these things" or something along those lines. While I'm just like, the step you took wasn't good, just try something else. When something hasn't worked it usually leads me to knowing something else. To make it clearer, looking around for how to fix IP configurations in a network printer let me know I can probably use similar settings for computers in the same network, and I was able to set up both the network printer and the individual PCs without any prior networking knowledge whatsoever. I never told this to people in the office, cuz I probably could've messed stuff up and they look at me like I know so much, if they knew that my level of knowledge isn't all that far from theirs, they'd probably freak out because they're trusting me with machines that they depend on daily. Haha. That's kinda fun. But I guess my point here is that I don't feel dumb if I can't get something to work right away. It only gets more and more exciting. (same goes for programming and stuff like that...)
That is NOT the case with people things in general for me. I often tell myself, if this happens, I should say this or that, and act this way or that way. And this is information I've gathered from multiple sources, such as my own past, books, tv, and just watching people behave in their natural habitats. And I tell myself, remember this! and this! and that! etc... and if the situation ever occurs where my knowledge is to be put to the test, what happens is... I FAIL. And so this is probably where I'm able to notice the major difference in my thought processes between situation A and situation B. When this happens I feel really stupid, embarrassed, worried, etc. All very negative emotions that I normally seek to avoid. They usually pass eventually but their weight can be really burdening at times. Maybe that's why I feel so drained out after socializing or similar things like that. I basically expect myself to do what I want me to do right, right from the start. I want me to not make any mistakes at all. Somehow I want to just know everything and how each thing is supposed to be, and be in at most control of myself as humanly possible. These expectations are extremely unrealistic, and basically unnecessary, once I can look at them from this more objective POV. Especially considering I'm just not naturally comfortable in these situations.
I guess the thing is, when computers mess up, and u work on them, they don't actually care. They can get worse sure, but so you just try more and then they can get better. With people, it seems to me, you can hit a wall, where I find you just can't get through anymore. People put up defenses if they conceive that one is trying to harm them, mock them, or just get too close to them in some way. They get offended, they hold on to their judgments, they want to be right. Hitting this wall is something I really wish to avoid because then the situation just seems hopeless to me. Once people start to just hang on to their judgments without wanting to see the situation from other angles, there's nothing really that I can do. And all the effort that it takes to not get to hit that wall, or to try to get past it, that in itself is all so very draining. And why do we care if people hold misconceptions of us? I guess because in the past, when humans lived in tribes, they really depended on each other for survival, and if one member wasn't liked, he or she probably got the worst of everything. I think to this day this is kinda true, if a person pleases others in whatever way, like by being eye candy, or nice, or whatever, they are more likely to get a better treatment and more opportunities from other people. So I guess this is where the basic fear of not wanting to mess with people comes from.
But anyway, I guess I'm trying to cover a lot in this post, and I'm not sure I'm doing such a good job at connecting the dots. I had it in my mind much clearer before but it's not coming out with as much ease as my usual writing.
I wanted to say that the things we're not so good at, are bad habits, a lot of the times anyway. If we keep avoiding them we won't get good at them ever. Sometimes we have to mess up a thousand times. Maybe it's the attitude we take when we mess up that makes the difference. Also, when I wrote this I noticed that I don't really do that much work to get good at computers, and I do a lot more work to get good at people, yet the effects are opposite. I guess maybe I could just try being honest, saying I don't know, and the next time I mess up, and I say to myself that was ghey, I can just accept that it is a bad habit of mine, and accept that I'll probably have to mess up for months, years, or however long it takes. And hopefully there will just be learning. That's the most important thing I can gather from experiences anyway, methinks.
I tried doing this today basically: http://www.raptitude.com/2010/03/how-to-make-mindfulness-a-habit-with-only-a-tiny-commitment/ which had me thinking a lot about habits and how they can be "hard to break." The main gist of that post is to just be mindful (or put simply, pay attention to the outside world and not only to the mental chatter of our minds) when we do 2 things: 1-open any door, and 2-sit on any chair. I thought that would be easy. EXCEPT I kept forgetting to do it. I probably only did it about a fifth of the times, and most of the times I only noticed that I hadn't done it, afterwards. So I felt a little stupid after I would miss the moment I wanted to commit to paying attention to. But then I thought about it more, why should I feel stupid? I haven't done this in the past. I actually expected myself to get it right, again, right from the start. The unconscious brain though, where all the habits live (which wanna live happily ever after) doesn't just respond to our wishes, though yes, how I would love that it just did. It requires a work out. It's basically like losing weight. You gotta exercise over and over and over, to just burn a few calories. So here, it seems we gotta make the mistake and notice and correct it, over and over and over, just to get a little better at what we would like to be doing on a constant basis. Maybe the reason I'm so hard on myself about not wanting to make mistakes is brewed into my brain from when I was a kid. What happened if we messed up as kids? Well for me, I'd get a bunch of scary stuff thrown at me, I'd get yelled at, which I remember I hated more than being struck, or I'd get struck. So it's like, messing up is a really bad thing, and one gets punished for it. I don't think it is really, and I find out more and more through practice, that I should try to accept how messing up is rather necessary. Punishing is probably the worst we can do for ourselves. Yes, old habits die hard, but expecting them to die right away is what's wrong with it. Feeling stupid or sorry for ourselves for not being able to meet such egotistical goals is worse. And much worse yet is punishing ourselves for not keeping it up. So yea, all this stuff is related but still I don't think it came across as sound as it was in my head. oh wells.
I tried doing this today basically: http://www.raptitude.com/2010/03/how-to-make-mindfulness-a-habit-with-only-a-tiny-commitment/ which had me thinking a lot about habits and how they can be "hard to break." The main gist of that post is to just be mindful (or put simply, pay attention to the outside world and not only to the mental chatter of our minds) when we do 2 things: 1-open any door, and 2-sit on any chair. I thought that would be easy. EXCEPT I kept forgetting to do it. I probably only did it about a fifth of the times, and most of the times I only noticed that I hadn't done it, afterwards. So I felt a little stupid after I would miss the moment I wanted to commit to paying attention to. But then I thought about it more, why should I feel stupid? I haven't done this in the past. I actually expected myself to get it right, again, right from the start. The unconscious brain though, where all the habits live (which wanna live happily ever after) doesn't just respond to our wishes, though yes, how I would love that it just did. It requires a work out. It's basically like losing weight. You gotta exercise over and over and over, to just burn a few calories. So here, it seems we gotta make the mistake and notice and correct it, over and over and over, just to get a little better at what we would like to be doing on a constant basis. Maybe the reason I'm so hard on myself about not wanting to make mistakes is brewed into my brain from when I was a kid. What happened if we messed up as kids? Well for me, I'd get a bunch of scary stuff thrown at me, I'd get yelled at, which I remember I hated more than being struck, or I'd get struck. So it's like, messing up is a really bad thing, and one gets punished for it. I don't think it is really, and I find out more and more through practice, that I should try to accept how messing up is rather necessary. Punishing is probably the worst we can do for ourselves. Yes, old habits die hard, but expecting them to die right away is what's wrong with it. Feeling stupid or sorry for ourselves for not being able to meet such egotistical goals is worse. And much worse yet is punishing ourselves for not keeping it up. So yea, all this stuff is related but still I don't think it came across as sound as it was in my head. oh wells.
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