God as Truth

Lately I've been musing that there might be a god after all, and if there is one, I would guess at the moment that it is "The Truth." The truth manifests itself through all things, alive and not alive. The truth is itself all things. However, because most things do not have a conscience, like humans do, we are able to not only be living truth but we are also able to study it, think about it, decode it, examine it, use it, etc. It's like, all things are manifestations of truth, and instruments of it. We can be "sharper" instruments because we can sense things that most other beings cannot. Nevertheless, there are beings who can sense things we cannot sense such as bats and dolphins, which use a "radar" type of hearing/seeing. They have developed such adaptations as a species overtime because that way they are more efficient at survival. Nevertheless, what I want to tie into the whole survival aspect of life is that there is more truth to be noted from the outside world the more our senses can perceive. And the more our mind can do with truth. I know A.Lin would disagree with me on this, and I probably wouldn't be able to put up a good argument because I'm only just playing with the idea. But basically, what I think is that with more evolution, we are more and more able to perceive truth, understand it, and do more with it. It expands our capabilities as beings in existence.
Anyway, I find truth within me a lot. I find that I have denied truth within me a lot too. Usually when I notice that that's what I'm doing though, I feel a bit disappointed about myself but then I get over it and realize that I cannot go against truth. For example, after getting into a fight with someone I care about, I stand strongly for my POV. Shortly after, I realize that my POV is not so complete, and what the other person is saying is also true, and that because I wanted to stand for my POV so much, I exaggerated it and denied the possibility of truth coming from the other person. This process of realizing more truth within me is what I mean by there being truth within us all. However, I can also, as I've done many times before, try to hold on to my anger, and push away all thoughts that come into my mind that stand up for the other person's POV and thus make my own POV even stronger and more "cement-like" to the point where I have to keep it in my mind constantly in case the issue ever comes up again and I feel "strong enough" to defend it. In this case, I would be blocking thoughts that come into mind which also stand for truth. At some point over the past few years, after accepting truth within me, I've come to realize that usually (at least) both POVs have a certain amount of truth to them. Discarding either is like breaking the truth and wanting to keep only part of it. It's like that old Salomon tale of wanting to keep half of the baby. You kill it that way. The truth is to be had as whole as possible. It is within us already, I think the only thing that stands in its flow is our ego, which is my other musing of lately.
But yea, let's see how the truth fits into the old Christian prayer "Our Father":

Truth, which is everywhere and in everything,
Wise is Your Name;
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
everywhere.
Help us survive this day,
and tell us how to forgive ourselves,
and help us forgive those who sin against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from our egos. Amen.

THE X FILES REVISITED, part 3

I was afraid of this... it has happened. I dont even know how it began that I decided to watch that first episode of the X Files again... maybe because I saw Khooshboo at work watching it. The flame rekindled inside me... little by little though. It began as the blur vague memory of that year I spent watching the whole X Files series. I can probably guess what year it was. I was working at the daycare center and had graduated high school. I remember calling out maybe twice because I just couldn't keep my head from being fed more and more episodes of the season I had recently received from China. During those days downloading wasn't really the thing to do, not with movies anyway, that was back when people downloaded songs and not albums. I had my old eMachines then too. My guess is that the year was 2004 then... I really need to be keeping track of these things. I know the year is kind of arbitrary in and of itself but I really am interested in making connections. So I kinda wanna have an idea of the things that were going on around that time as well. I wanna see if I can figure out why I am rewatching the X Files now. What is it that my soul gathers from it? This is basically the best show I've seen in my life. I am aware of that now. Not when I first watched it. The very first time I watched it was probably when I was 10 years old. I remember this one particular instance, when I watched it with my father. Memories can get mixed up though, and thus, are not to be fully trusted. But according to this memory, we were in my parents room and we watched the episode of when Mulder and Scully get stuck in the woods, and there are these fluorescent bugs in the trees that are fatal in some way shape or form, and I just know that is one of my most favorite X Files episodes and I cannot remember much more from it, even though I have at least seen it twice already, if not more times. But yea, me and my dad, and usually my brother, the three of us used to watch scary or creepy things all the time, and I loved it. It gave me nightmares since I was a kid but I just loved the whole process of watching scary movies with them. I can't remember my brother being around that time we watched that particular X Files episode though. I remember the AC being on, which was a relief. I think it was evening time too. I remember thinking, this is a really cool thing to watch. I remember asking my dad about it. I don't think he knew much but I remember he liked it a lot too. I also remember wanting to watch more and more of it. So I was able to catch it on tv a few times and I loved every single instance of it. I mean I know I did but I can't remember any of those other instances the way I remember the time I saw it with my dad. I must have seen about 10 or so episodes that I was able to catch on tv. Later on when I came to the US, I believe that I caught a few on cable, and then I tried to catch it regularly on cable. I stole a few newspapers from different neighbors' front lawns on Sundays to get the tv programming for the next week and see when I could watch the x files again, along with other movies that could be interesting. Then, at the point when I could finally make online transactions and after a while of having discovered eBay and becoming somewhat addicted to it as well, I found the cheap Chinese copies of the X Files seasons on eBay. They went for about 30 bucks each, including shipping, which at the time was really really cheap. And then was the "part 2" of the X Files for me, which is kinda more like part 1 cuz I had never seen the full series before, but anyway. I call it that because I was much older then. Now that I think about it, it was probably 8 years since I had first encountered the show, and since then it's been about 8 years till now that I sort of decided to rewatch it. Have I mentioned 8 is my favorite number? haha... what's one of the X Files mantras... "I want to believe"... gotta love that. The other 2 being of course, "The truth is out there" (which is so amazing), and finally "Trust no one"... I remember setting up a password for something as that, it was 'trustno1' actually but yea, probably an easy one to uncover... And so I went through that throughout that year. It's about 200 hours worth of episodes, and it could've taken me a lot less to watch it but I didn't have that much money and so I bought season after season and had to go through the process of waiting from bidding till actually receiving it between each season. Throughout that year also the way I mostly enjoyed or felt compelled to join in conversations was to begin with "That reminds me of this one episode of The X Files..." and it pretty much could've just ended there cuz most people were simply not interested. I found 2 people... TWO PEOPLE who basically shared the passion I had, in the same level of intensity. (Well, I remember you and I Jaime had some talks about it, but mostly I remember you telling me that I reminded you of Carlo, ur friend in EC who apparently loved the X Files as much as me; a fact which I had to confirm when I got there, mostly cuz it seems so hard to believe it based on the infrequency of such occurrence, and yes, he did indeed love The X Files as much as me except at the time that I asked we were in that really awesome club and I was half drunk and also couldn't remember much of the X Files because my memory is a case in and of itself and requires its own blog post...) But yes, the 2 people were 2 older men, 1 who was the father of a boy I babysat, and another one who was an instructor for an art class I took. I had crushes on both of these men and that could be something else to explore either in this post or later... but I do definitely wonder now if it all began with The X Files... I hear the music goin now in my head... and what I mostly want to say about these encounters is that when I talked to them about the series, their eyes lit up and the excitement took over them. I could definitely understand them at that moment.
So then, I encountered Dr Who later on... read a lot of books... and then now, just a few days ago, decided to give in to the temptation of being sucked back into the X Files world. However now, I don't just want to be a passive observer, not that I ever really was, but I want to be as active in it as possible. I want to know why it does what it does to me, and to the few people that it also seems to affect. If I'm gonna get into this again, to give up the next 185 hours of my life to this (I already spent about 15), I want to discover as much as I can. I want to find a bridge between my reality and The X Files inasmuch as possible.  And if I sound crazy, well I may be. But I'm not alone. There are others like me out there. There's even a book that was written by X Files producers and authors, and it's an intelligent book, not one of them celebrity gossip things. It's called 'The Philosophy of The X Files" and it explores pragmatism, feminism, existentialism, love and friendship. All things I often think about, well maybe not feminism so much.
I may not believe in aliens, the paranormal, god, government conspiracies, love, and all those awesome things that The X Files make us wonder about. I may not believe in any of them. But if there is something I want to believe in, it's the truth, and our relationship to it. The truth is out there. I want to believe. And I trust no one to be given it. It must be sought for oneself and by oneself.

Feelings are weight

This phrase has been popping up in my head. Fear/love/hate/guilt/anger/hornyness/jealousy/happiness/sadness etc. they push us one way or another. They are weight. We carry them with us whenever we have them. Because of their weight they have us do things. We are like their puppets whenever we act upon them. It sounds terribly negative at the moment. Guess I'm feeling sort of negative and cynical. In light of recent events. Feelings trick me. They make me act in certain ways. They make me do things. They make me convince myself that this or that is right or wrong. When I like one of them things, I want it to stay. When I don't like one of them, I want it to leave. Some people seem to be good at pushing some feelings away, and keep some. Somehow they can keep happiness and push away sadness. Well I forget them all. Each and everyone of them. Even if I do act upon them. None of them are sacred for me. They are all things that come and go, and I'm not just being zen about it. Maybe I am. I dunno. I'm just kinda ranting mindlessly maybe. Possibly, maybe, probably, somewhat... those are safe words because I know that my feelings transform me constantly and if I were to take each one fully and act on each one I'd be "a million different people from one day to the next" but maybe I am anyway because I do feel them, even if I don't act upon them. And maybe "I can't change my mold."

Angry Young Man, by Billy Joel

I think this song has really awesome lyrics... I hadnt heard it in a while and yesterday I heard it again, at the Fort Lee carnival, which Lin and me decided to check out since we were in the area... but yea, great lyrics... and I relate currently to the highlighted paragraph, while I used to related to the other stuff more when I was younger...

There's a place in the world for the angry young man
With his working class ties and his radical plans
He refuses to bend, he refuses to crawl,
And He's always at home with his back to the wall.
And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost,
And he struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross-
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.

Give a moment or two to the angry young man,
With his foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand.
He's been stabbed in the back, he's been misunderstood,
It's a comfort to know his intentions are good.
And he sits in a room with a lock on the door,
With his maps and his medals laid out on the floor-
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.

I believe I've passed the age
Of consciousness and righteous rage
I found that just surviving was a noble fight.
I once believed in causes too,
I had my pointless point of view,
And life went on no matter who was wrong or right. 

And there's always a place for the angry young man,
With his fist in the air and his head in the sand.
And he's never been able to learn from mistakes,
So he can't understand why his heart always breaks.
And his honor is pure and his courage as well,
And he's fair and he's true and he's boring as hell-
And he'll go to the grave as an angry old man.

There's always a place for the angry young man
With his working class ties and his radical plans
He refuses to bend, he refuses to crawl,
And He's always at home with his back to the wall.
And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost,
And he struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross-
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.

About being good or bad at something (and the thought processes that go along with that)

Ive been pondering on the difference in my state of mind when it comes to things I think I'm good at and things I think I'm terrible at. Whether this may or may not affect the results hasn't really been the terrain covered by my pondering. It's more like just watching my thoughts about both things, that I've been going over.

The most obvious comparison that comes to mind is computers vs. people. I'm no super computer wiz but I def enjoy working with them compared to with people. Meaning, I enjoy dealing with computer problems a thousand times more than with people issues. I think I'm good at solving PC problems, but I'm not good at solving people problems. A lot of people, who they themselves get really frustrated with computer issues, seem to think I know every solution to every computer problem there is to have. (See: http://xkcd.com/627/) My boss sometimes calls me after she's tried a bunch of times to fix something, and she'll call me once she's given up and I easily find the solution. In fact, this one time, for something I've never seen before, I said, let's try this, maybe if we click it it will do it. And it did. She was amazed, she was like 'how did you know to go exactly there, when I've been going all over the place for like half an hour??" and I guess that in part got me thinking of how in fact I did know. What is the nature of my comfort with computer issues really. Meanwhile, people around me get surprised that I find simple people things so uncomfortable and often, whether they know it or not, I find them unbearable.

I don't know the solution to most computer issues, just like I don't know the solution to most people issues. I guess the main thing though is that I find that messing up is a good thing with computers. I have tremendous curiosity and whenever I don't get something right, let's say I've been trying to get rid of a virus for hours, I try this one thing, didn't work, this other one, didn't work, etc. etc. I really don't feel that my image is at all compromised by it. I have watched other people when they get frustrated with computer issues. At some point they go "I'm just not good with these things" or something along those lines. While I'm just like, the step you took wasn't good, just try something else. When something hasn't worked it usually leads me to knowing something else. To make it clearer, looking around for how to fix IP configurations in a network printer let me know I can probably use similar settings for computers in the same network, and I was able to set up both the network printer and the individual PCs without any prior networking knowledge whatsoever. I never told this to people in the office, cuz I probably could've messed stuff up and they look at me like I know so much, if they knew that my level of knowledge isn't all that far from theirs, they'd probably freak out because they're trusting me with machines that they depend on daily. Haha. That's kinda fun. But I guess my point here is that I don't feel dumb if I can't get something to work right away. It only gets more and more exciting. (same goes for programming and stuff like that...)

That is NOT the case with people things in general for me. I often tell myself, if this happens, I should say this or that, and act this way or that way. And this is information I've gathered from multiple sources, such as my own past, books, tv, and just watching people behave in their natural habitats. And I tell myself, remember this! and this! and that! etc... and if the situation ever occurs where my knowledge is to be put to the test, what happens is... I FAIL. And so this is probably where I'm able to notice the major difference in my thought processes between situation A and situation B. When this happens I feel really stupid, embarrassed, worried, etc. All very negative emotions that I normally seek to avoid. They usually pass eventually but their weight can be really burdening at times. Maybe that's why I feel so drained out after socializing or similar things like that. I basically expect myself to do what I want me to do right, right from the start. I want me to not make any mistakes at all. Somehow I want to just know everything and how each thing is supposed to be, and be in at most control of myself as humanly possible. These expectations are extremely unrealistic, and basically unnecessary, once I can look at them from this more objective POV. Especially considering I'm just not naturally comfortable in these situations.

I guess the thing is, when computers mess up, and u work on them, they don't actually care. They can get worse sure, but so you just try more and then they can get better. With people, it seems to me, you can hit a wall, where I find you just can't get through anymore. People put up defenses if they conceive that one is trying to harm them, mock them, or just get too close to them in some way. They get offended, they hold on to their judgments, they want to be right. Hitting this wall is something I really wish to avoid because then the situation just seems hopeless to me. Once people start to just hang on to their judgments without wanting to see the situation from other angles, there's nothing really that I can do. And all the effort that it takes to not get to hit that wall, or to try to get past it, that in itself is all so very draining. And why do we care if people hold misconceptions of us? I guess because in the past, when humans lived in tribes, they really depended on each other for survival, and if one member wasn't liked, he or she probably got the worst of everything. I think to this day this is kinda true, if a person pleases others in whatever way, like by being eye candy, or nice, or whatever, they are more likely to get a better treatment and more opportunities from other people. So I guess this is where the basic fear of not wanting to mess with people comes from. 

But anyway, I guess I'm trying to cover a lot in this post, and I'm not sure I'm doing such a good job at connecting the dots. I had it in my mind much clearer before but it's not coming out with as much ease as my usual writing. 

I wanted to say that the things we're not so good at, are bad habits, a lot of the times anyway. If we keep avoiding them we won't get good at them ever. Sometimes we have to mess up a thousand times. Maybe it's the attitude we take when we mess up that makes the difference. Also, when I wrote this I noticed that I don't really do that much work to get good at computers, and I do a lot more work to get good at people, yet the effects are opposite. I guess maybe I could just try being honest, saying I don't know, and the next time I mess up, and I say to myself that was ghey, I can just accept that it is a bad habit of mine, and accept that I'll probably have to mess up for months, years, or however long it takes. And hopefully there will just be learning. That's the most important thing I can gather from experiences anyway, methinks.

I tried doing this today basically: http://www.raptitude.com/2010/03/how-to-make-mindfulness-a-habit-with-only-a-tiny-commitment/ which had me thinking a lot about habits and how they can be "hard to break." The main gist of that post is to just be mindful (or put simply, pay attention to the outside world and not only to the mental chatter of our minds) when we do 2 things: 1-open any door, and 2-sit on any chair. I thought that would be easy. EXCEPT I kept forgetting to do it. I probably only did it about a fifth of the times, and most of the times I only noticed that I hadn't done it, afterwards. So I felt a little stupid after I would miss the moment I wanted to commit to paying attention to. But then I thought about it more, why should I feel stupid? I haven't done this in the past. I actually expected myself to get it right, again, right from the start. The unconscious brain though, where all the habits live (which wanna live happily ever after) doesn't just respond to our wishes, though yes, how I would love that it just did. It requires a work out. It's basically like losing weight. You gotta exercise over and over and over, to just burn a few calories. So here, it seems we gotta make the mistake and notice and correct it, over and over and over, just to get a little better at what we would like to be doing on a constant basis. Maybe the reason I'm so hard on myself about not wanting to make mistakes is brewed into my brain from when I was a kid. What happened if we messed up as kids? Well for me, I'd get a bunch of scary stuff thrown at me, I'd get yelled at, which I remember I hated more than being struck, or I'd get struck. So it's like, messing up is a really bad thing, and one gets punished for it. I don't think it is really, and I find out more and more through practice, that I should try to accept how messing up is rather necessary. Punishing is probably the worst we can do for ourselves. Yes, old habits die hard, but expecting them to die right away is what's wrong with it. Feeling stupid or sorry for ourselves for not being able to meet such egotistical goals is worse. And much worse yet is punishing ourselves for not keeping it up. So yea, all this stuff is related but still I don't think it came across as sound as it was in my head. oh wells.