A good and proper reply by Assistant Director Skinner

Mulder: It was you, you were the one who left Cancer Man's location for me... You put your life in danger

Skinner: Agent Mulder, every life, every day, is in danger. That's just life.

Reflections on self-torture...

So I've been thinking... I used to run for the purpose of being healthy (not a very obvious benefit, perhaps a long-term "goal" to be seen, which may not even happen since being healthy depends on other things than just physical exercise), then also for the purpose of losing weight and looking better naked (a definitely more obvious benefit), and then at some point recently I thought maybe I shouldn't bother running. For a week I let it go with intention. I forgot exactly what my reasoning was behind this choice but at some point I decided to go for one jog and found this other purpose... which appears to be stronger than the previous ones mentioned. I think running is sort of self-torture. It hurts, it feels painful breathing when I'm tired, all I start thinking about is how much I would love to collapse and drink water cuz my throat is getting dry as hell. Muscles ache, I stink a lot, have so much sweat pouring down on me, and all that fun stuff... but then I went to the park and let myself collapse in the grass after the jog... and it was a really awesome feeling. There were little thoughts in my head, my body appreciated basically everything about the environment at the moment... didn't even mind the bugs that were definitely under and around me. I've done this before, but I only thought about how delicious the moment was then and there. So I've been thinking about further self-torture, or torture in general... well I hate goriness so those movies when someone's getting mutilated while alive is not what I'm talking about here, I can barely watch that shit. But like, when you got exams coming up, and papers (I talked to A.Lin about this) and you got all this pressure on you and it feels like there's not even time to properly breathe, or shower even, well, when all that is done... I think the feeling is kinda the same. It's this awesome feeling that I'm free from that previous torture and the environment feels just right. Life feels so freeing. I would think that a prisoner who is let out of jail must feel this feeling in exponential amounts. Also, people who come back from the death, many of them seem to just have a change of life and be able to appreciate it so much more. What has changed really? I mean, the environment isn't really that much different. It's just that after all that torture, we are able to appreciate life without it. Without the torture itself, it just kinda goes by, same as with torture, but more like, unnoticed. The wind doesn't strike me as so important day to day as after a jog. The ground doesn't seem so comfortable. The shade of a tree. All that stuff I barely even notice throughout my days, but that's ALL I notice after the self-torture moments of jogging. Life just tastes good. Even meditation, it's torture to have to just pay attention to my breath and not do anything else for a while. But it helps me appreciate the time when I'm not meditating more. Well it could be a little different with meditation... though I did kinda get this idea from the buddhist book "The Joy of Living", where the author talks about how what we seek to gain from meditation is the feeling of bliss one would get from finishing a difficult job...
But yea, basically I think self-torture is good. I think now I need it a lot more, in terms of jogging at least... knowing that that feeling can be brought about by me... now that's enough of a motivation to get me to do horrible things haha. That feeling of weightlessness and appreciation seems to be pretty close to happiness.

The X Files... Season 1 Finished, Season 2 Started... focus on the M&S love

So I just started season 2. The first episode is called 'little green men'... in it there's a lot more of the subtle mulder/scully love, and it's that love that I wanna talk about now. Throughout season 1, we see the hints of sexual attraction come up here and there. There's jealousy that comes up often from both parties. However, this jealousy is manifested as a tiny flicker, as if trying to turn on a lighter. It comes and as soon as is there it leaves. What's interesting is that past that jealousy what remains is friendship. The bond between Mulder and Scully thus, is definitely held by friendship. When Mulder ran off with that british chick who had broken his heart years before and he explicitly told Scully he was gonna go with that "case" alone, Scully got a little annoyed, but like I said, it was just a flicker of annoyance. Soon after, she started digging in the case and went over to where Mulder was to help him out. I guess if it were me, I would just think... well I guess he just likes that chick so I'm just gonna go do my own thing instead, and I'd be all pissed and thinking about what they might be doing by themselves and trying to block that out of my head or trying to "accept the truth." But Scully is too awesome for simply sulking, so she decided to go out there with her findings, and even when she found them 2 dancing quite romantically (and also didn't like what she saw), she stayed and saved a few people's lives by doing that. It really was quite awesome to watch. That episode was really awesome actually, it was called 'Fire,' from the first season. Anyway in the beginning of this first ep of season 2, Mulder is acting depressive cuz the X Files had been shut down, even ignored Scully and shit. She remained strong and still looked for him, even went after him when he left to San Juan looking for extraterrestrial signs. He had said at some point that he didn't even trust himself anymore. She urged him to go back to his search for truth, which is really interesting because most of the time what she does is try to bring him back to reality and snap him out of his loony ideas. I guess she did that cuz she knew that was such an important thing to him, and because it was important to him, it also was important to her. I'm recalling the many times when after trying to convince Mulder to get a life, she ended up going after him and joining him in all the adventures. But anyway, at the end of the episode, Mulder tells Scully how even without having the X Files assigned to him anymore, he still had his work, he still had her, and he still had himself. I thought it was really cool how he said he still had her, and even cooler that he said he still had himself. He'd lost himself and Scully helped him bring himself back. That to me is true love, I guess. It's very bound on a strong friendship. Thus, their attraction doesn't stand alone in the game, it doesn't override the friendship, and because of that, neither of them quits based on the simple appearance of rejection.
Which brings me to my next point... why is their friendship so strong to begin with? Well, in my strong opinion, it is so strong because to begin with indeed, they started their relationship based on their own selves. Each never left his and her own self out of the situation. This creates the conflicts we see in each episode, and somehow their differences do not make them hate each other but rather appreciate the qualities that each brings. So, I think that when we decide to be our most honest selves, when we don't say things just to be nice, or just to have the other person like us, we undoubtedly create higher possibilities for disagreement. That I guess is the test in and of itself, if we can stand the person, or even like the person when he or she is defending the truest part of themselves, then we know whether we really like them for who they are. Because Mulder and Scully weren't trying to like each other, but because they were trying to defend their true ideas, beliefs, selves, they were able to forge a friendship that endures the volatile attraction that men and women are likely to feel for each other. So what I'm saying is this, the attraction by itself, without true friendship, cannot survive reality. Attraction is a fleeting thing. For some, it may last longer than others, but like all feelings, in my strong opinion, it comes and goes. So I guess, what I would call love as of now, is the ability for both people to stand for themselves and each other as a friend, when the attraction they feel for each other is threatened or compromised. Which definitely doesnt seem like an easy feat. And I dunno if I've seen it happen anywhere other than in the X Files really... well, I guess I have had that type of friendship with some friends, but I don't have a sexual attraction for them...

God as Truth

Lately I've been musing that there might be a god after all, and if there is one, I would guess at the moment that it is "The Truth." The truth manifests itself through all things, alive and not alive. The truth is itself all things. However, because most things do not have a conscience, like humans do, we are able to not only be living truth but we are also able to study it, think about it, decode it, examine it, use it, etc. It's like, all things are manifestations of truth, and instruments of it. We can be "sharper" instruments because we can sense things that most other beings cannot. Nevertheless, there are beings who can sense things we cannot sense such as bats and dolphins, which use a "radar" type of hearing/seeing. They have developed such adaptations as a species overtime because that way they are more efficient at survival. Nevertheless, what I want to tie into the whole survival aspect of life is that there is more truth to be noted from the outside world the more our senses can perceive. And the more our mind can do with truth. I know A.Lin would disagree with me on this, and I probably wouldn't be able to put up a good argument because I'm only just playing with the idea. But basically, what I think is that with more evolution, we are more and more able to perceive truth, understand it, and do more with it. It expands our capabilities as beings in existence.
Anyway, I find truth within me a lot. I find that I have denied truth within me a lot too. Usually when I notice that that's what I'm doing though, I feel a bit disappointed about myself but then I get over it and realize that I cannot go against truth. For example, after getting into a fight with someone I care about, I stand strongly for my POV. Shortly after, I realize that my POV is not so complete, and what the other person is saying is also true, and that because I wanted to stand for my POV so much, I exaggerated it and denied the possibility of truth coming from the other person. This process of realizing more truth within me is what I mean by there being truth within us all. However, I can also, as I've done many times before, try to hold on to my anger, and push away all thoughts that come into my mind that stand up for the other person's POV and thus make my own POV even stronger and more "cement-like" to the point where I have to keep it in my mind constantly in case the issue ever comes up again and I feel "strong enough" to defend it. In this case, I would be blocking thoughts that come into mind which also stand for truth. At some point over the past few years, after accepting truth within me, I've come to realize that usually (at least) both POVs have a certain amount of truth to them. Discarding either is like breaking the truth and wanting to keep only part of it. It's like that old Salomon tale of wanting to keep half of the baby. You kill it that way. The truth is to be had as whole as possible. It is within us already, I think the only thing that stands in its flow is our ego, which is my other musing of lately.
But yea, let's see how the truth fits into the old Christian prayer "Our Father":

Truth, which is everywhere and in everything,
Wise is Your Name;
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
everywhere.
Help us survive this day,
and tell us how to forgive ourselves,
and help us forgive those who sin against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from our egos. Amen.

THE X FILES REVISITED, part 3

I was afraid of this... it has happened. I dont even know how it began that I decided to watch that first episode of the X Files again... maybe because I saw Khooshboo at work watching it. The flame rekindled inside me... little by little though. It began as the blur vague memory of that year I spent watching the whole X Files series. I can probably guess what year it was. I was working at the daycare center and had graduated high school. I remember calling out maybe twice because I just couldn't keep my head from being fed more and more episodes of the season I had recently received from China. During those days downloading wasn't really the thing to do, not with movies anyway, that was back when people downloaded songs and not albums. I had my old eMachines then too. My guess is that the year was 2004 then... I really need to be keeping track of these things. I know the year is kind of arbitrary in and of itself but I really am interested in making connections. So I kinda wanna have an idea of the things that were going on around that time as well. I wanna see if I can figure out why I am rewatching the X Files now. What is it that my soul gathers from it? This is basically the best show I've seen in my life. I am aware of that now. Not when I first watched it. The very first time I watched it was probably when I was 10 years old. I remember this one particular instance, when I watched it with my father. Memories can get mixed up though, and thus, are not to be fully trusted. But according to this memory, we were in my parents room and we watched the episode of when Mulder and Scully get stuck in the woods, and there are these fluorescent bugs in the trees that are fatal in some way shape or form, and I just know that is one of my most favorite X Files episodes and I cannot remember much more from it, even though I have at least seen it twice already, if not more times. But yea, me and my dad, and usually my brother, the three of us used to watch scary or creepy things all the time, and I loved it. It gave me nightmares since I was a kid but I just loved the whole process of watching scary movies with them. I can't remember my brother being around that time we watched that particular X Files episode though. I remember the AC being on, which was a relief. I think it was evening time too. I remember thinking, this is a really cool thing to watch. I remember asking my dad about it. I don't think he knew much but I remember he liked it a lot too. I also remember wanting to watch more and more of it. So I was able to catch it on tv a few times and I loved every single instance of it. I mean I know I did but I can't remember any of those other instances the way I remember the time I saw it with my dad. I must have seen about 10 or so episodes that I was able to catch on tv. Later on when I came to the US, I believe that I caught a few on cable, and then I tried to catch it regularly on cable. I stole a few newspapers from different neighbors' front lawns on Sundays to get the tv programming for the next week and see when I could watch the x files again, along with other movies that could be interesting. Then, at the point when I could finally make online transactions and after a while of having discovered eBay and becoming somewhat addicted to it as well, I found the cheap Chinese copies of the X Files seasons on eBay. They went for about 30 bucks each, including shipping, which at the time was really really cheap. And then was the "part 2" of the X Files for me, which is kinda more like part 1 cuz I had never seen the full series before, but anyway. I call it that because I was much older then. Now that I think about it, it was probably 8 years since I had first encountered the show, and since then it's been about 8 years till now that I sort of decided to rewatch it. Have I mentioned 8 is my favorite number? haha... what's one of the X Files mantras... "I want to believe"... gotta love that. The other 2 being of course, "The truth is out there" (which is so amazing), and finally "Trust no one"... I remember setting up a password for something as that, it was 'trustno1' actually but yea, probably an easy one to uncover... And so I went through that throughout that year. It's about 200 hours worth of episodes, and it could've taken me a lot less to watch it but I didn't have that much money and so I bought season after season and had to go through the process of waiting from bidding till actually receiving it between each season. Throughout that year also the way I mostly enjoyed or felt compelled to join in conversations was to begin with "That reminds me of this one episode of The X Files..." and it pretty much could've just ended there cuz most people were simply not interested. I found 2 people... TWO PEOPLE who basically shared the passion I had, in the same level of intensity. (Well, I remember you and I Jaime had some talks about it, but mostly I remember you telling me that I reminded you of Carlo, ur friend in EC who apparently loved the X Files as much as me; a fact which I had to confirm when I got there, mostly cuz it seems so hard to believe it based on the infrequency of such occurrence, and yes, he did indeed love The X Files as much as me except at the time that I asked we were in that really awesome club and I was half drunk and also couldn't remember much of the X Files because my memory is a case in and of itself and requires its own blog post...) But yes, the 2 people were 2 older men, 1 who was the father of a boy I babysat, and another one who was an instructor for an art class I took. I had crushes on both of these men and that could be something else to explore either in this post or later... but I do definitely wonder now if it all began with The X Files... I hear the music goin now in my head... and what I mostly want to say about these encounters is that when I talked to them about the series, their eyes lit up and the excitement took over them. I could definitely understand them at that moment.
So then, I encountered Dr Who later on... read a lot of books... and then now, just a few days ago, decided to give in to the temptation of being sucked back into the X Files world. However now, I don't just want to be a passive observer, not that I ever really was, but I want to be as active in it as possible. I want to know why it does what it does to me, and to the few people that it also seems to affect. If I'm gonna get into this again, to give up the next 185 hours of my life to this (I already spent about 15), I want to discover as much as I can. I want to find a bridge between my reality and The X Files inasmuch as possible.  And if I sound crazy, well I may be. But I'm not alone. There are others like me out there. There's even a book that was written by X Files producers and authors, and it's an intelligent book, not one of them celebrity gossip things. It's called 'The Philosophy of The X Files" and it explores pragmatism, feminism, existentialism, love and friendship. All things I often think about, well maybe not feminism so much.
I may not believe in aliens, the paranormal, god, government conspiracies, love, and all those awesome things that The X Files make us wonder about. I may not believe in any of them. But if there is something I want to believe in, it's the truth, and our relationship to it. The truth is out there. I want to believe. And I trust no one to be given it. It must be sought for oneself and by oneself.

Feelings are weight

This phrase has been popping up in my head. Fear/love/hate/guilt/anger/hornyness/jealousy/happiness/sadness etc. they push us one way or another. They are weight. We carry them with us whenever we have them. Because of their weight they have us do things. We are like their puppets whenever we act upon them. It sounds terribly negative at the moment. Guess I'm feeling sort of negative and cynical. In light of recent events. Feelings trick me. They make me act in certain ways. They make me do things. They make me convince myself that this or that is right or wrong. When I like one of them things, I want it to stay. When I don't like one of them, I want it to leave. Some people seem to be good at pushing some feelings away, and keep some. Somehow they can keep happiness and push away sadness. Well I forget them all. Each and everyone of them. Even if I do act upon them. None of them are sacred for me. They are all things that come and go, and I'm not just being zen about it. Maybe I am. I dunno. I'm just kinda ranting mindlessly maybe. Possibly, maybe, probably, somewhat... those are safe words because I know that my feelings transform me constantly and if I were to take each one fully and act on each one I'd be "a million different people from one day to the next" but maybe I am anyway because I do feel them, even if I don't act upon them. And maybe "I can't change my mold."

Angry Young Man, by Billy Joel

I think this song has really awesome lyrics... I hadnt heard it in a while and yesterday I heard it again, at the Fort Lee carnival, which Lin and me decided to check out since we were in the area... but yea, great lyrics... and I relate currently to the highlighted paragraph, while I used to related to the other stuff more when I was younger...

There's a place in the world for the angry young man
With his working class ties and his radical plans
He refuses to bend, he refuses to crawl,
And He's always at home with his back to the wall.
And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost,
And he struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross-
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.

Give a moment or two to the angry young man,
With his foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand.
He's been stabbed in the back, he's been misunderstood,
It's a comfort to know his intentions are good.
And he sits in a room with a lock on the door,
With his maps and his medals laid out on the floor-
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.

I believe I've passed the age
Of consciousness and righteous rage
I found that just surviving was a noble fight.
I once believed in causes too,
I had my pointless point of view,
And life went on no matter who was wrong or right. 

And there's always a place for the angry young man,
With his fist in the air and his head in the sand.
And he's never been able to learn from mistakes,
So he can't understand why his heart always breaks.
And his honor is pure and his courage as well,
And he's fair and he's true and he's boring as hell-
And he'll go to the grave as an angry old man.

There's always a place for the angry young man
With his working class ties and his radical plans
He refuses to bend, he refuses to crawl,
And He's always at home with his back to the wall.
And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost,
And he struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross-
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.