Reflections on self-torture...

So I've been thinking... I used to run for the purpose of being healthy (not a very obvious benefit, perhaps a long-term "goal" to be seen, which may not even happen since being healthy depends on other things than just physical exercise), then also for the purpose of losing weight and looking better naked (a definitely more obvious benefit), and then at some point recently I thought maybe I shouldn't bother running. For a week I let it go with intention. I forgot exactly what my reasoning was behind this choice but at some point I decided to go for one jog and found this other purpose... which appears to be stronger than the previous ones mentioned. I think running is sort of self-torture. It hurts, it feels painful breathing when I'm tired, all I start thinking about is how much I would love to collapse and drink water cuz my throat is getting dry as hell. Muscles ache, I stink a lot, have so much sweat pouring down on me, and all that fun stuff... but then I went to the park and let myself collapse in the grass after the jog... and it was a really awesome feeling. There were little thoughts in my head, my body appreciated basically everything about the environment at the moment... didn't even mind the bugs that were definitely under and around me. I've done this before, but I only thought about how delicious the moment was then and there. So I've been thinking about further self-torture, or torture in general... well I hate goriness so those movies when someone's getting mutilated while alive is not what I'm talking about here, I can barely watch that shit. But like, when you got exams coming up, and papers (I talked to A.Lin about this) and you got all this pressure on you and it feels like there's not even time to properly breathe, or shower even, well, when all that is done... I think the feeling is kinda the same. It's this awesome feeling that I'm free from that previous torture and the environment feels just right. Life feels so freeing. I would think that a prisoner who is let out of jail must feel this feeling in exponential amounts. Also, people who come back from the death, many of them seem to just have a change of life and be able to appreciate it so much more. What has changed really? I mean, the environment isn't really that much different. It's just that after all that torture, we are able to appreciate life without it. Without the torture itself, it just kinda goes by, same as with torture, but more like, unnoticed. The wind doesn't strike me as so important day to day as after a jog. The ground doesn't seem so comfortable. The shade of a tree. All that stuff I barely even notice throughout my days, but that's ALL I notice after the self-torture moments of jogging. Life just tastes good. Even meditation, it's torture to have to just pay attention to my breath and not do anything else for a while. But it helps me appreciate the time when I'm not meditating more. Well it could be a little different with meditation... though I did kinda get this idea from the buddhist book "The Joy of Living", where the author talks about how what we seek to gain from meditation is the feeling of bliss one would get from finishing a difficult job...
But yea, basically I think self-torture is good. I think now I need it a lot more, in terms of jogging at least... knowing that that feeling can be brought about by me... now that's enough of a motivation to get me to do horrible things haha. That feeling of weightlessness and appreciation seems to be pretty close to happiness.

Feelings are weight

This phrase has been popping up in my head. Fear/love/hate/guilt/anger/hornyness/jealousy/happiness/sadness etc. they push us one way or another. They are weight. We carry them with us whenever we have them. Because of their weight they have us do things. We are like their puppets whenever we act upon them. It sounds terribly negative at the moment. Guess I'm feeling sort of negative and cynical. In light of recent events. Feelings trick me. They make me act in certain ways. They make me do things. They make me convince myself that this or that is right or wrong. When I like one of them things, I want it to stay. When I don't like one of them, I want it to leave. Some people seem to be good at pushing some feelings away, and keep some. Somehow they can keep happiness and push away sadness. Well I forget them all. Each and everyone of them. Even if I do act upon them. None of them are sacred for me. They are all things that come and go, and I'm not just being zen about it. Maybe I am. I dunno. I'm just kinda ranting mindlessly maybe. Possibly, maybe, probably, somewhat... those are safe words because I know that my feelings transform me constantly and if I were to take each one fully and act on each one I'd be "a million different people from one day to the next" but maybe I am anyway because I do feel them, even if I don't act upon them. And maybe "I can't change my mold."

down with the asses and their masses

Got no time to waste on bullies or bully-followers. Shame, cuz some of them do have a lot of potential. But they'd rather focus on how not to make fools of themselves and judge those who appear to be fools to them all the time. The only way to create and discover is by allowing oneself to be a fool.
I gotta do my own discoveries. Other people have to take care of themselves, unless they ask for help, in which case I might provide it.
For now, I really gotta get out there and be more of a fool. The thought of ending up like some of these bullies or bully-followers wasting their life by looking down on others is really... just... gaahhh! never!

'Sunrise' from xkcd, and thoughts...

i really love the part about it being a secret

thou i dont think i fantasize of finding someone else

its sort of like living a dream

cuz i get this desire all the time

i love to explore places when theres no one else around

i feel so free

almost like a ghost

That damn gap

Making art provides uncomfortably accurate feedback about the gap that inevitably exists between what you intended to do, and what you did.

What we intend to do can be translated into our desires. Our fantasies. How we envision things to be. In other words, our expectations. What we did is basically reality. This is the old dilemma of expectations vs. reality. We often have dreams, fantasies and they become our expectations. Reality often tends to be different from what we hoped, envisioned. Oftentimes then we decide our dreams, fantasies and thus our expectations are what dooms us. This doesn't necessarily have to be true. Without our dreams & fantasies, we wouldn't be able to imagine things that can make the world a better place. I think these hopes are at the core of creation, this sort of faith that we exercise when we try things out. Oftentimes when reality turns out to be so different from our expectations we feel foolish and our first instinct can be to condemn our desires. But this is not the solution, I'm certain of that. We need our foolish hopes, desires, dreams, expectations. We need them. It's just that somehow, we have to be able to accept them in spite of reality. Somehow we have to learn to love reality as much as our dreams. Somehow reality and expectations have to meet, and not start a war. Somehow we have to accept them both, and love them both, and have them work together.
I don't know this 'somehow' just yet. But I'm working on it.

Some clarity in regard to Passion and The Muse

Yesterday during mass, I had an interesting epiphany in regard to the whole finding one's passion dilemma I've been experiencing lately. As it turns out, my theories appear to be like this. We create art when The Muse visits us. At that moment we have to run before it leaves us stranded again and we have to pour ourselves into whatever medium we use in order to create. However, if we're not ready, meaning we are not familiar with any medium, we have much greater difficulties expressing ourselves, and thus, the muse.
On a similar note, The Muse visits us most likely from the energy that flows in us through our feelings. Our feelings are based mostly on experiences. Thus, if something happens to me (experience) in which someone has made me angry (feelings), The Muse might visit me and if I have some skills like writing, drawing, etc. I can probably create something using this channel.
To summarize it goes something like this:
Art Practice > Greater Skills > More Prepared for The Muse > Experiences > Muse may visit > Art > Truth
I have put Truth at the end because to me, the most important value of art is that it is a way to express Truth. By Truth I don't necessarily mean facts but rather, perspectives, feelings, logic, and things we can find from our own human experiences. The truth I extract from the work of fiction 1984 for instance, has become a part of me, and this is how I revere art. If anything then I suppose finding truth is my passion. Maybe that is the purest form of passion.
And so it seems right now that the fact that I don't feel like doing anything at any given day doesn't necessarily mean I don't really have a passion, and even if I do sort of "force" myself into an activity, it's not a bad thing because I'm just sharpening my instrument (body-mind) in order to be a better servant of The Muse when it decides to visit, and of The Truth.

New Resolution: No More Disliked Work

During these summer travels I have realized that I was quite unbalanced in my distribution of fun vs. work during the past school year. I have already read 4 books since I started my summer, while I did not read for fun last year. I let about 9 months go by just telling myself that I am supposed to do school work, which stands against most of the things I believe in. I tried doing work early on so that I would not have to do it at the last minute, however, since I disliked it so much due to its business-driven nature, I always took a really long time to complete it and ended up wasting much of my dragged days.
Therefore, my conclusion is that when I leave things I do not like to do for the last minute, as is the natural thing to do, I do it with a lot more drive, being that I must finish them things ASAP. This drive happens on its own and leads me to work to my best potential, and being that I am also a perfectionist, it also cuts away from my spending of energy on things I do not like. All of this leads me to spending most of my days on things I do enjoy, such as reading for fun, hanging out with friends, making up my own software, writing on my blog, etc. etc. etc. Thus, I am quite excited for the execution of this new resolution.